Love Potion Number Zed
by GrandEclectus
Summary: Howard thinks a love potion may be the solution for his lonely life. So what could possibly go wrong after he breaks into Naboo's private stock and tries to brew his own?
1. Chapter 1

Love Potion Number Zed

by AnitaLife aka "I Go By Many Names"

First written: July 2009

Fandom: The Mighty Boosh

Humor, Parody

Rated: T

Legal: I don't own 'em, I just want to borrow the sandbox and play.

Interviewer Jonathan Ross made Noel apologize to Julian for Vince destroying Howard's record in "Journey to the Center of the Punk". What is wrong with people! That would be like when they fired John K from Ren and Stimpey and they became syrupy friends. Eegads!

This story shows what would happen if Vince were completely nice to Howard all of the time and explores how Howard would feel about it. It is also inspired by the Clover's hit, "Love Potion Number 9".

It's as slash as any actual Boosh ep, because pretty much every ep is about their relationship. If you're looking for a more…um…explicit version, this ain't it. They are strictly platonic in this.

**Love Potion Number Zed**

Naboo was livid. As angry as Howard had ever seen him and far more angry than Howard could have imagined. The forever-doped, laid-back, easy-going Shaman was off his tits with rage, trading incense for incensed. Howard listened to the lecture for what seemed to be the tenth time.

"Now you've really gone and done it, Howard!" Naboo said, as he paced like a caged jaguar.

"I know, Naboo! Please, just help me try to fix it! I can't take it anymore!"

"Good! You deserve everything coming to you!"

"I know!"

"I could lose my license over this!"

"Harold is idiot," Bollo grumbled.

"Stay out of this!" both Naboo and Howard said in unison.

"This is the worst kind of magics! The worst kind!" Naboo ranted. "No good can ever come of this!"

"I know!" Howard said, weary to the bone. "Look, yell at me all you want, but we just have to set things back to rights! I can't live this way!"

"What about Vince?" Bollo chimed in, but backed down under the glares from the arguing men.

"Sorry," Bollo cowered.

"Can it be fixed?" Howard pleaded.

"I will have to bring this to the attention of the Council. The Head Shamans of several sections will need to be involved. Most times…" Naboo paused.

"What?"

"Love potions are irreversible! It can never be changed!"

"Oh no," Howard whined and ran his hands over his face in desperation.

"I promise you Howard, if you ever touch my stuff again, I will turn you into a monkfish and you can suck mud from the bottom of the Thames for 10,000 years!"

Just then the bell of the shop rang and a cheerful voice called for 'Howard!' in a sing song, 'Honey I'm home' kind of way.

Howard cringed and groaned.

"Well," Naboo prompted, "go to him then."

"I can't! He's probably been shopping for me again. Probably bought me something nice. What will I say?"

"Say, 'thank you, Vince'," Naboo ordered.

"No! If I'm nice to him, he gets even worse."

"And, if you're mean, he'll get sick and die of a broken heart," Naboo informed Howard of what he already knew.

"This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me!" Howard winged.

"Look, he's your best friend and after this, he may be your only friend. You've brought this on yourself and now it's your responsibility to look after him."

"If not, Bollo rip Harold's arms off. Vince precious angel!"

They both ignored Bollo, but Howard hefted a war-weary shrug of resignation and gave in to the inevitable.

Howard seemed to encounter only two kinds of love in his life. One "love" would be that of no love at all. The other would be this fanatical, insane, unreasoned devotion. Bollo was right. It was Vince that was really going to suffer in the long run and it was Howard's mistake that led him to this. They would have to work it out. Somehow.

tbc…


	2. Chapter 2

Love Potion Number Zed

part 2

Howard trudged down the stairs, dreading the vision he knew he would see in the shop.

Vince's handsome face lit up with an impossibly broad grin as Howard entered the room.

"Hey, Howard!" the younger man catapulted toward Howard and greeted him with a bear hug. Howard felt awkward, but did not try to fend Vince away. If he showed the slightest bit of disapproval, Vince's mood could swing to depression. The slightest encouragement would cause Vince to gush over him with the atomic thrust of Niagara Falls. It was a delicate balancing act and Howard did not feel equal to the task. He was sure to lose his head at any given time.

Howard regarded his once fashion bedecked mate. The boy was clad in rough, beige tweed from head to toe. He had traded his platforms for sensible nubuck hiking boots. The laces were tied to perfection.

A pith helmet flopped at an odd angle. His once impressive coif had been hacked and tousled. It stuck out in all directions under the helmet; the concept of hair product was just a memory. He had eschewed his black tresses for a mousey brown rinse.

Though Vince's piercing blue eyes did not require corrective lenses, he now had brown contacts. His face bore no trace of make-up.

Howard sighed inside.

"Lester is genius, Howard! I found some vintage Monk, Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald and I know you are a fan of Sarah Vaughan!" Vince proffered the stack of mothball scented vinyl for Howard's pleasure.

"Hey, hey, Little Man," Howard chided gently and gingerly. "Go easy on those! I don't want you breaking out in a rash."

"Not going to happen to Vince Noir, Jazz Star! You know, all these years and I never knew how great these recordings were! Think of all I've been missing until now!"

"Well, there's no argument there," Howard told him. "Those artists are solid."

"Solid! Yeah! Good word Howard! I'm going to say that all the time now! 'Solid.' Howard Moon has a magic way with words!"

"Well, I do at that, don't I?" Howard agreed.

"I mean, this is geni…I mean 'solid'," Vince gushed. "Look at this one! 'Body and Soul' by Ella Fitzgerald! That's me and you, Howard. I want to give you everything!"

"Do you?" Howard said, warily.

"Look," Vince continued enthusiastically, "I got this field guide to the Grand Eclectus parrot. Of course you know that it's one of the few parrots where the male bears a striking difference in coloration from the female. Made the scientists think they were two different species. How cool is that!"

Howard sighed. Vince responded immediately.

"Are you alright, Howard?"

"Yes, Vince, everything is fine," Howard intoned.

Howard tried not to wince, but his eyes could not hide the pain of seeing his once flippant and flamboyant companion reduced to a sycophantic worshipper.

Howard's guilt was rising in his chest. He thought back to what had led them to his place, as if re-tracing the steps could alter the past. Each memory brought more waves of pain and guilt.

Had it been a week already? It was the longest week of Howard's life.

tbc….


	3. Chapter 3

Love Potion Number Zed

part 3

Howard was lonely. It always comes back to that point. Not just lonely, but desperately lonely. Insanely lonely. Lost and lonely.

He had spent another Friday night with Lester, and while that had its merits, the music they played only served as a reminder of Howard's isolation. Inevitably the Jazz songs blurred into some low-down dirty blues numbers, forlorn longing and loves never found. Lester even dropped a needle onto a couple of doo-wop ballads, where the singer's plaintive plea was "Please don't ask me to be lonely."

Vince had done his usual Saturday night prep, which began as soon as he rolled from between his silken sheets, at noon sharp. He always asked Howard to go with him, but Howard always declined.

Howard saw no point in going to a crowded place with monotonous techno rhythms screeching into his skull, just to watch other people become inebriated, pair off and leave.

It was a senseless activity from which he derived no pleasure and it certainly seemed to be a bad way to meet anyone.

Vince would be the center of attention, as always. Girls and boys would gather around him, gyrating to the beat and each vying for his attentions. Howard had no idea what Vince would get up to from there. Vince would always reappear the next day, alone. It was a puzzle to be sure, but Howard felt it was Vince's own personal business so he never questioned him about who, where or how many. Howard was content with his part in Vince's life, but really, they had been friends for so long that Vince was simply a fixture of his existence.

It must have been nice to be a person who could dovetail so nicely into that nonsense, but Howard could not do it. Even if he did attend, he would stick out like a white sock in a beige shoe at a black tie affair.

On Saturday, Howard had the entire day to think. Naboo and Bollo were away on Shaman business. Howard did not get all the details, but he knew it would be awhile before they returned.

A lovely young lady sauntered into the shop. She wore sensible clothing and long brown hair. Howard tried his best to charm her. He found her so beautiful, but she made it clear that she found him repulsive with every reference he made to obscure Jazz greats and claims of his illustrious accomplishments.

Her disdain affected him, cut him to the quick. He stared at the floor of the shop for a long time after she exited with a huff, taking all the air in the universe with her.

He did not know exactly how he found himself in Naboo's room. He watched himself paw through a bookshelf until a dusty, forbidding-looking tome caught his eye. Everything about it screamed 'Do Not Open This Book', including the actual sound of a voice as he picked it up that said 'DO NOT OPEN THIS BOOK!' in no uncertain terms. He put a pillow over the thing until it stopped making a fuss.

"Love Potions" it proclaimed on its ancient cover. The disclaimer in the legal section at the front warned of any non-licensed usage.

"Forward by Saboo.

"To whom it may concern: Turn back now. Do not continue reading, perusing, scanning or otherwise absorbing these contents.

"These potions are meant only for use by licensed and trained professional Shamans, and for use only under strict supervision by 12th level personnel and only after receiving a c57d-LP9 in triple triplicate with the signed and witnessed approval of at least 17 qualified 12th level Shamans, if you can even find them since they spend most of their time engaged in whatever it is that 12th level Shamans get up to and if you don't know already, then don't ask because it will destroy whatever mushy cornmeal you are using as brain matter. Any other use constitutes a severe violation of interplanetary rules, regulations, and bylaws and will incur the most severe penalties, which again, you cannot even begin to imagine. Tony Harrison, this means you!

"If you are even contemplating the use of a love potion, this governing body urges you to seek an online dating service and/or the engagement of a professional companion. Believe me when I say, you will be much better off paying for your usual back alley elicit love trysts than trying to…"

Howard did not bother reading the balance of the verbose warning, but instead forged ahead to the page with the first potion. He gulped with fear, but then began going through Naboo's stores, assembling the ingredients. He grabbed the cauldron and headed for the kitchen.

He thought he was following each direction carefully, but there were a few words he did not understand and odd instructions that left him mystified. He substituted Eye of Wombat for Toenail of Platypus. Could it make that much difference?

It took several hours for the brew to reduce to the gloppy substance it became. Howard nicked an empty ornate purple atomizer from the Nabootique and filled it with the potion. He cleaned all the incriminating evidence away to the best of his ability, and placed all books, remaining ingredients and the cauldron away as carefully as possible.

He would be ready for that girl if she came in again, or perhaps he would meet a better prospect.

He made careful note of the instructions for use, scrawling it on a piece of scrap paper. "One spray, don't look away. Love at first sight comes with the morning light."

Howard was regarding the potential of the potion when a customer entered the store, no one of interest, but Howard got distracted and left the atomizer on the counter. He was trying to sell a few of his Jazz records, but the customer was looking for a specific hinge for an antique box, and would have none of Howard's pitch.

It was closing time, and Howard settled in to watch a Herzog marathon, starting with the "Incident at the Loch Ness". During the fourth film, "Herakles" he began to drift in and out of consciousness, and decided he should drag himself to bed.

tbc…


	4. Chapter 4

Love Potion Number Zed

part 4

The next day Howard awoke to a strange new world.

"Rise and shine, you sleepyhead," a sweet, soft voice cajoled gently.

"Vince? Wha…?" Howard mumbled, trying to get the parts of his sleepy brain to work in unison. "What are you doing up? It's not even 10 yet," he groaned, tousling his already bed-tousled hair.

"Careful you!" Vince chided, rescuing the immaculate tray of breakfast delicacies that Vince had laid on Howard's bed. The tray was resplendent with spreads, relishes, toasts, fresh butter, eggs, perfectly crisp bacon and sumptuous sausages. A delicate, lace-trimmed linen napkin served as a cozy bed for polished silver utensils. At the center, over a small white doily, a crystal vase stood sentinel offering up a single red rose. Martha Stewart would have been shamed by the flawless presentation.

"You…you brought me breakfast in bed?" Howard said, thinking he was having a weird dream.

He tried to fit the pieces together, but the puzzle made no sense. Vince awake before noon? Vince bringing him a tray in bed? Vince wearing a brown, beige and tan ensemble?

"I coddled the eggs," Vince informed him seriously. "I hope they're alright. If not, I can…"

"Coddled eggs are my favorite," Howard said, feeling groggy and wary. "What's going on?"

"What? This? Oh I dunno. Thought you might like it. Did I do good, Howard?"

"Uh, yeah, it's fine," Howard said. "What are you wearing?"

"Oh this? I'm going for that sort of cheeky adventure man look, rugged and handsome. Do you like it? If you don't like it, I'll take it off immediately!" Vince vowed.

"It's just…"

Vince's face fell with disappointment. "I'll go change!" Vince panicked. "I…wait! I've…I've got something better, I know!"

"No! Vince, you're fine! I just don't get what you're on about!"

"I'm not on about anything! I just thought you'd like some breakfast in bed is all!" Vince sounded on the edge of tears. "I thought you might like to see me in a new outfit."

"Yes, yes!" Howard said. "It's…fine…I…just let me get used to it. You look…different."

"Is that good?"

"Ah…" Howard murmured tentatively, no sure what to say or do.

Vince hung on Howard's every word, movement and body gesture. His big eyes looked fearful the longer Howard hesitated.

"Yes, it's all good, Vince," Howard lied which brought the sunshine back to Vince's face. "I mean, nice. Good. Well done, Vince." Vince relaxed completely, pleased that he had pleased Howard.

Slowly Howard gathered his senses. Between sleep and the shock of seeing Vince in this state, he sussed out that something was indeed extremely wrong. Finally his thoughts turned to what he had done yesterday. He frantically threw on his robe and bounded out of bed.

"What are you doing Howard? Is everything alright?" Vince asked him, again over-concerned with his every move.

"Vince, listen to me, this is important." Vince's eyes became wide, and he gave Howard his undivided attention, which in and of itself was out of the ordinary. Vince never listened to him speak.

"Think! Have you seen a purple atomizer?"

"Yes, of course, Howard! Lovely fragrance! Would you like some?"

Howard blanched as Vince pulled out the half-empty bottle.

"You…you…used it? On yourself?"

"Sure, Howard! You know I can't resist a little fragrance try on. Fragrance is the final layer of any fashion statement."

"Oh no! This is horrible!" Howard panicked.

"What? What did I do wrong, Howard!"

"What…what did it say? One Spray?" Howard tried to remember the instructions. He found the crumpled paper and the words hit him like a wet goose: "One spray, don't look away. Love at first sight comes with the morning light."

"It was rather subtle scent," Vince informed him. "I've used quite a lot!"

"No!" Howard groaned. "Then what did you do?"

"I came to our room, and saw you sleeping," Vince informed him. "You looked so lovely lying there with the early sun sparkling through the blinds. I really haven't been to bed. Been awake all night, enjoying the view," Vince grinned in a dopey manner.

"Enjoying the view?" Howard repeated aghast with the repercussions of his actions. Howard was the first person Vince saw in the morning after he had been in contact with the potion, which meant that now Vince was hopelessly in love with him.

"Vince, there's been a terrible mistake!"

"What?"

"You've lost your mind!"

"What you on about? I've never felt better," Vince chimed. "Now, let me draw you a nice hot bubble bath and lay out your clothes for the day. I've got some hot oil for your massage. Oh, try the caviar! It's delicious!" Vince said, and gave a familiar mischievous glance as he nipped a bit of roe.

Vince sidled next to Howard and blew in ear then sauntered to the bathroom, eager to begin his life of slavish Howard-centric activities.

Howard collapsed on the floor next to his bed. This could not be happening. What else could he do but grovel to the one person from whom he was trying to hide his transgressions. Now he would have to go to Naboo, tail between his legs, and beg for help.

tbc..


	5. Chapter 5

Love Potion Number Zed

part 5

After the shouting had subsided, Naboo took off once again to confer with his fellow Shaman. Howard was left to fend for himself against the barrage of potion-induced love.

Howard was to mind the store. Naboo gave him a set of instructions and some money to run an errand for him while he was gone, but Howard could not get away. Vince clung to him with the vigor of poison ivy. He watched his every move and offered assistance for the most mundane things.

Vince was waiting on him hand and foot. At first Howard thought he could get used to it, even enjoy it, but it was all wrong.

No arguments. No banter. No bickering. Vince simply agreed with every word he spoke.

He listened attentively to Howard's lengthy diatribes about Jazz trivia. Howard got tired of the sound of his own voice. Without the old Vince there to roll his eyes and tell him to 'get stuffed' from time to time, it was painful.

Howard suggested that Vince go listen to some electro nonsense, but Vince would have none of it.

"I threw all that rubbish away, Howard," Vince told him.

"What about Blueberry Cage or Le Morte de Bergamot or whatever band you front for this week?"

"I'm done with that. I only want to do jazz with you. Cool jazz."

That evening they sat in the store watching a documentary about the life of the anteater. Normally Vince would be off straightening his hair or retouching his make-up or reading an article in Fashion Fast Forward Magazine regarding the merits of the shambolic nature of Neandergirl vs. the discipline of Haut Couture.

"Can I get you something, Howard?"

"Ah, no, thank you, Vince," Howard attempted.

"Are you sure?" Vince persisted.

"Yes, I'm fine!" Howard said, a little too testy.

Vince sulked for a bit, but it bought Howard a few moments to think.

"Howard," Vince finally broke into Howards thoughts. "Are you…are you involved with someone else?"

"What? No!"

"I mean, it would be good to know exactly where I stand with you."

"Vince, I don't want to discuss this now," Howard retorted.

"I see," Vince deadpanned.

"No, you don't see!"

"There is someone else." Vince accused. "You are just leading me on."

"Oh for the love of… Vince, I'm trying to tell you, what you feel for me right now, it isn't real!"

"Ah," Vince said, becoming sullen. "So, when I feel this deep love for you, it's trivial to you. 'Not real' you say."

"Everything you're feeling was because of a love potion! It wasn't even meant for you!"

"You had a love potion, meant for someone else?" Vince calculated.

"It's not like that!"

"Who is it?" Vince demanded. "Who was it meant for?"

"No one!"

"It's Naboo, isn't it?" Vince insisted, his voice rising.

"That's ridiculous! Vince, listen to yourself!"

But, Vince had swept out of the store and gone up to their room, slamming the door with a resounding smack, and causing a few knick knacks to plummet from their shelves and meet the floor in pieces.

About a half hour later, Vince reemerged from their room.

"Howard," he began tentatively. "I'm sorry for the way I behaved."

"Don't worry about it," Howard said quietly, dangerously. The telly was off. The lights were off. The normally colorful shop appeared to be painted with murky gray watercolors.

While Vince was upstairs, Howard had come to a conclusion, a horrible conclusion.

"It won't matter much longer," he told Vince.

"I just want to say, if I have to, I'll win you," Vince vowed.

"That's nice, Vince," Howard said, a freakish look on his face. Vince could not see that his friend had morphed into Johnny from The Shining. Had he known, he would have fled for his life.

"Vince Noir will not let Naboo or anyone else, take you away from him!" Vince pledged.

"Come here Vince," Howard said calmly. A formidable kitchen blade glinted behind his back, reflecting the light of the full moon that shone through the front window.

"Oh, Howard," Vince said as he plunged toward Howard, locking him in a tight hug.

"Soon it will all be better, my Vincey," Howard said in an eerie tone. "It will all be better for both of us, you'll see. Shhhhh."

Howard let himself relax for a moment in Vince's grip. He raised the formidable blade, poised to strike the smaller man first, with the plan of turning it upon himself. If Vince were dead, Howard felt that he would have no reason to go on.

Murder-suicide was his plan, but a sudden flash of memories washed over him. He could see every moment they had spent together, everything they really were to one another. Images splashed through his mind, stunning him with feeling.

He could not hurt Vince in any way, not ever.

For a split second, Vince realized something was terribly wrong, but could not react. The bell to the shop rang, and the lights barged on as Howard threw the blade down as if it had suddenly become molten hot. It clanked to the floor with loud report, as if a gun had gone off.

"I think I'm going to be quite sick," Saboo announced with his baritone tones. "These two are nauseating without the aid of love potions and that is on a good day."

"Howard! What the…What are you doing?" Naboo yelled. "Don't kill Vince!" Bollo growled and started to charge to protect Vince, but Naboo gave him a signal that kept him from attacking Howard.

"What? Kill me?" Vince's voice cracked as he backed away with fright from Howard.

"Thank the stars!" Howard exclaimed heavily with relief. "Do you have anything that will end this?"

"Yes and no," Naboo said, enigmatically. "Saboo will explain."

"Of course. First let me say, Howard TJ Moon, you are an idiot!"

"I know that Sir," Howard cringed. "I've been told that many times before," he sniveled.

"Shut up!

"It has taken the West Council, the North East Council, division A and G as well as several Covens from Bristol, Croydon and South Wales to decide upon a course of action. Since there is no antidote, potion or remedy for what you have brought down upon your friend, only one solution has been put forth."

Howard gasped at the words "no antidote, potion or remedy". This could not be.

"Execution…" Saboo began gravely.

tbc…


	6. Chapter 6

Love Potion Number Zed

part 6

"No way!" Vince interjected vehemently, thrusting himself in front of Howard. "You can't hurt my Howard!"

"Please kill me!" Howard whimpered. "I've given all I have to give!"

"Silence pig dogs!" Saboo commanded, forcing Howard to stifle his cries.

"Execution is unfortunately not an option. The Council has decided to present Moon with one course of action and only one. Naboo? If you will."

"Howard, this is yet another love potion," Naboo said as he proffered a small vial of toxic-looking neon orange liquid to the taller man.

"But, he doesn't need another love potion! He's off his nut as it is!"

"Not for him, you idiot! For you!"

"What?" Howard asked, not comprehending.

"If you take this, you won't care that Vince is a total tit, in fact you'll like it," Naboo informed him.

"Is that it? That's all you great magic geniuses can come up with?" Howard exclaimed in frustration.

"Don't push your luck with us, Leeds boy!" Saboo threatened. "For violations of this magnitude, we could punish you both for all eternity. I can make that happen with one phone call."

Saboo snapped out his cell phone and hit the speed-dial. "Harrison, target the two mortal idiots in the Nabootique for eternal punishment, but wait for my signal."

"Wha…" came Tony Harrison's drunken reply. "You want me to signal you when you get to the Nabootique and you have punch to drink?" he slurred.

"Shut it, you fool! Must I do everything around here!" Saboo snapped, as he walked off still trying to make Harrison comprehend a simple order.

"What will it be Howard?" Naboo asked. "Or are you going to try to kill him again?"

Howard looked at Vince, the innocent victim of all of this, who just seemed to be puzzled by everything. At least that was normal.

"The only way out is through, Howard," Naboo counseled.

"What does that even mean!"

"I dunno. I read it on the back of a cereal box."

Howard felt he had explored all his other options. He tried adjusting to Vince's new persona. He had tried to get Vince to behave like his old self. He had gone so far as to contemplate their mutual death. None of it worked. There was nothing for it then but to do what the Shamans offered.

He no longer cared about himself. If he accepted their solution, at least Vince would be happy again.

"Give it here then!" Howard took the liquid.

"Wait, it's got to be just the two of you!" Naboo said, as he and Bollo crammed their bodies through the door with alacrity.

"Right," Howard said, screwing up his meager courage. "OK then…Vince."

"Yes, Howard."

"I just want to say, I'm sorry for all of this. I never meant for you to be hurt, but Howard Moon isn't one to shirk from his duty. I've done this, and now I've got to make amends."

"Howard, do you love me?" Vince asked plaintively.

"I expect after this I will …" Howard downed the swirling orange glop in one swig, and then made sure he was looking at Vince.

tbc...


	7. Chapter 7

Love Potion Number Zed

part 7

Howard stared at Vince and stared again, afraid he would fall in love with a Tiffany lamp or a Canada Goose wall decor if he looked away.

"Well, I guess it's official, then, Vince, isn't it?"

"What is?"

"I, Howard TJ Moon, do indeed love you." He screwed up his face at the thought, not feeling any different about Vince than he had before the draft.

Vince looked at Howard, but could not help the smile that was breaking at the corner of his lips. His eyes belied the imp that he was being toward Howard.

"Do you, Howard?" Vince asked, as the laughter reared itself in his chest and a few derisive sniffs worked their way through his nose.

"Well, I don't feel any different, but I expect these things take time."

"Do you want to kiss me now, Howard?" Vince taunted quietly.

"I suppose we could try that…hang on."

Howard became aware of several faces staring through the front window. He cocked his head and narrowed his eyes at Vince. Finally the group shuffled back into the shop, laughing scathingly at Howard.

Vince doubled over, barely able to breathe.

"What's going on?" Howard demanded. "What is wrong with everyone?"

"Did you see the look on his face?" Saboo asked Bollo.

"Look worth it all," Bollo chuckled. "Even putting up with Vince playing at loving Harold!"

"What are you talking about? What is happening here?"

Vince laughed so hard his sides ached.

"Oh, you went right for it, Howard!" Vince chided and pointed at Howard. "Every step of the way, you fell for it!"

Vince aped his own performance, "I've got the massage oil for you Howard? Would you like another cuppa, Howard? Is the bath water the right temperature, Howard?" He broke into peals of uncontrollable laughter, and was joined by a chorus of the others who were in on the joke.

Howard was at a complete loss. His puzzled expression prompted Naboo to explain.

"I knew what you did, Howard," Naboo scolded. "I knew you were in my room, rummaging through my books like a randy hyena. I have Shaman's Alpha Alert Service. Have to while living with you idiots! I never know what you're going to get up about when I'm not looking and I can't afford a baby sitter."

"You knew I had…"

"Tried to make a love potion? Yes. And failed—miserably. This is Shaman stuff, Howard. It takes training and ability. You have neither. I think you made an ipecac is all."

"A what?"

"Makes you throw up."

"Worst attempt at a love potion since the Tulip mania debacle of 1637, when whole nations went mad over a flower bulb pyramid scheme." Saboo scoffed loudly. "Harrison would have done a better job, and he is a mongoloid."

"Do you want me to cause eternal punishment to anyone yet?" Harrison chirped from Saboo's phone.

"NO!" everyone yelled vehemently in unison.

Howard's chest seemed to be crushed upon itself. The realization of what just happened...it could not be.

Vince knew about the love potion and played him for a fool. The entire thing was a ruse, just to teach him a lesson about messing with Naboo's things. Point taken, but did it really have to go so far?

"Oh come on Howard," Vince said, as he began to calm down. "You had it coming. It was just a joke."

"I see," Howard said, not the least bit amused. "Another joke at my expense."

"Let that be a lesson to you," Naboo said as forcefully as possible.

"I've learned quite a lot from this," Howard said, leveling his glance at Vince in particular. "I've learned who I am around here. I understand that now."

"Don't be like that, Howard," Vince attempted, knowing in his bone marrow that he had gone too far, again.

Did it matter to Vince that he was willing to give up his own sanity just to take care of him? He drank the Shaman's offering, accepting his fate, just to make sure Vince would be all right. That detail would be lost on Vince.

Howard could no longer speak, not to Vince, not to any of them. From Naboo, Bollo and this Saboo, he could expect to be ill used, but from Vince? Vince had wronged him in the past, but never had it been so calculated and mean. Howard felt his heart break, seeing Vince in a new, unflattering light.

Howard turned quietly and steadily walked out the door. Vince called after him but Naboo held him back.

"Let him stew for awhile Vince."

"Yeah, but…Oh! I've seriously got to change!" Vince scratched his chest and padded off, no longer able to stand his apparel and hair. "I hope no one saw me looking like this!"

Howard wandered off alone into the chilly night, still in shock and stinging from what had just occurred. He thought he could hear Sarah Vaughan crooning "Mean to Me", but it could have just been his imagination.

tbc in another story…


	8. afterword

Thanks so much for reading!

I've begun Hieronymus Boosh, which takes up where this story leaves off. Just click on AnitaLife and go to my page to find it.

I know a couple people had Love Potion Number Zed story marked for updates, but I don't plan any for it.

I wish I could link things better, but the nature of Fanfiction dot net doesn't allow for that kind of use.

Please send me some review love! It's so disheartening when people don't say that they've at least read it. It's even worse when people say "uh, you spelled something wrong" or other negativity.

I do this for the love of it and I hope people will find it as fun to read as I do writing it.

Thanks!  
AL


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